Want to see me burst out into guffaws of laughter that would make a drunken uncle blush?
Have a separatist tell me Canada isn’t a real country.
I like that one.
But I’m not going to waste time here explaining to our career-welfare recipients why Canada is as real as it gets.
Instead, I want to share with you something that recently rattled me to my foundations.
I read about a play showing in Toronto, I believe it’s called Apocalypsis.
The play debuts with an African girl who came to Canada as a refugee.
I can’t recall the exact country, but when I’m done telling you this story, I think you’ll be able to guess.
At the age of 12, this girl’s village was attacked by rebels.
True to the nature of backwood African militiamen, these rebels were brutal and merciless.
They forced this girl to watch them hack her parents to death with machetes…only to chop off both of her hands right afterwards.
She fled the village with her arms bleeding and charged for the woods surrounding her village.
That was the last thing thing she remembered about that horrible night.
When she woke up, she was in a hospital bed and the stumps that are now her arms were heavily bandaged.
Listen, I’m sure that some separatists can read this and come up with trite comments about how the African rebel attack simply doesn’t apply to the Canada-Quebec situation.
They’re very good at that kind of thing.
Making excuses is the easiest thing in the world.
That’s why all separatists are so good at it.
Will I be celebrating Canada’s birthday?
No…or at least, not in the way sovereignists celebrate Holy Separatist Day.
I won’t be wearing the colours.
I won’t be waving a flag.
I will however, think of the African girl and millions of others like her — man, woman and child alike, who endure conditions and brutality we simply can’t wrap our thoughts around.
What I will be celebrating is the attitude of gratitude.
Every single one of us born here in Canada are winners of one of the greatest lotteries ever.
We were born in a country where our poor are rich compared to the poor of other nations.
When the global economy melted in 2008, we suffered like everyone else, but thanks to our infrastructure, we recovered five times faster than the U.S.
Gun violence in this country isn’t even a glimmer of what it is down in the U.S.
We have ready access to all kinds of loans to help us along.
The only people who can’t see this abundance are the ones who’ll be looking to make trouble on the 1st of July.
To those people, I say SHUT UP.
Canada Day is not the day where we should have to hear your excuses for hating.
It’s a day to for celebration and for separatists, a day to face the truth.
Truth #1: The reason you’re unemployed/undermployed is not for a lack of opportunities for the Francophone, it’s because you’re fucking lazy. Really, it’s that simple.
Truth #2: If Quebec looks broke, it’s because that’s true – it really is broke, but not for the reason separatists think it is. It’s not broke because Ottawa won’t take its foot off Quebec’s neck. It’s broke because previous governments behaved like degenarate gamblers.
Truth #3: The reason French is disappearing in Montreal is not the cause of some federal scheme, it’s simply what happens when a melting pot is situated so close to two English entities and has ready access to English media. If you don’t like it, do a better job of raising your kids.
Truth #4: You also can’t blame Ottawa for not having the same respect for the environment that Quebec does – not when Quebec has the highest rate of per-capita car ownership.
Tomorrow, while those of us who understand how lucky they are to live in Canada count their blessings, a tiny pocket of the country’s population will grit their teeth in anger over the fact that they’re losers who’ve accomplished nothing in life.
Despite the abundance of opportunity and financial support from both the public and private sectors, they find themselves at the very bottom of the barrel. Blaming everyone else but themselves for that fact is the easiest thing in the world.
Welcome to Canada!
To any new arrivals and refugees reading this, I want to say, welcome – make yourselves at home and enjoy the comforts.
If anyone tells you you’re not welcome, just ignore them.